Monday, 12 January 2009
A New Year
It's 2009 and so much has happened since my last posts. So much has changed, I can't begin to describe how I am feeling. I've now moved on to university and it's possibly the best thing anyone can opt to do in terms of experience in a semi-controlled environment. It's true, you're still in a bubble but that bubble is existing between school life and the 'real world'. Having just turned 20 I'm coming to terms with understand 'big kids' stuff and it's a struggle I'll give you that.The main thing that I feel that I need to tell the whole world and every creature in it is that I am irreversibly in love. Completely and utterly in love and I don't really understand how it happened to me, being the girl that's always been a little bit weird, a little bit too loud and the girl that no one realised is incredibly insecure and who didn't think that anyone could grow to love her weird ways. But it happened- its happening. Having being in my longest relationship ever, I'm constantly hoping that it will stay as it is and that I wont fuck up. Because in the year and a bit of being together I have fucked up pretty badly, in fact so badly that I'm sure that anyone else would have left me. I would have left me. But Ross has been here, constantly at my side. Sometimes some things come back to me where I've thought back to horrible nights where I've been someone else, nights when I didn't recognise myself and was out of control and I wonder why he stayed. But it's completely there for me to see, it sounds silly but it is because he's in love with me too. That's something I find hard to comprehend everyday, that someone loves me, just as I am. Someone who I am not good enough for actually loves me. The love is reciprocated, for someone who can't deal with her insecurites, thats a big thing. Its funny, we've talked marriage, kids the whole lot and I'm 100% there, I said to him that if he asked me to marry him tomorrow, I'd say yes. Today we were talking and he was looking through the property part of the newspaper, looking at beautiful country houses with a stupid amount of bedrooms and said that each room could be for his closest mates to which I replied 'you wont be getting married then really will you with all the boys living in!'. Without hesitation 'But i will, I'll be with you.' My heart just went. I wasn't sure what to say other than brush the comment away with a joke. Sometimes I just want to talk, sometimes I think I love him too much. Sometimes thinking about us, what we've had and how we have grown gets so overwhelming I find the only thing I can do is cry. It's like our relationship is beyond its years. I don't think it's this healthy to like someone this much. Funny thing is, we've both said that to each other at some point.
Since the whole uni experience Ive definitely had to grow up, I think my relationship with Ross acted as a catalyst because when I think about it, I'd still be the little girl I was when I left school. You have to become less selfish and immature in a relationship which I wouldn't have been able to do so fast without having someone there for me to care about in the way I do. One problem I managed to acquire was the need to drink, not one or two but as much as I can consume until I can't speak, feel or see. A little road to destruction where I'd be doing it frequently which would lead to arguments between me and him. But it was always me that started the arguments. What stopped this stupid and childish binge, and I guess need for attention to be the most idiotic, was when I had kissed his best mate in front of him. I had a full blown argument with Ross in the street (classy), told him I hated him and it escalated to me punching him in the face. That's right, you'd never put me down to have that sort of aggression if you've ever known me but there it was. All he wanted to do was make sure I was safe. I don't who that girl was or what she had done with me. One thing I remember is being hysterical and him trying to get me in my house, I remember him crying and saying 'I dont know how to handle you, I don't know what to do with you when you're like this.' That was the only thing I remembered cos the next morning I woke up covered in cuts from where I had fallen over with no other memory of the night before. My guests left my house pretty fast and my boyfriend was not talking to me. That was the worst thing, I didn't even know what I had done. And aside from that one memory and the aforementioned events which he recounted to me before he left, I had no idea. When he told me what happened I laughed and then broke down into tears. We broke up. And I cried and cried for a whole day. I didn't even get out of bed. I actually wanted to die. I considered cutting to make me feel a little bit of the pain that I had caused him but couldn't bring myself to do it. My mind went into over drive and I just wanted to kill myself- thats the only time that thought has ever entered my mind. (Im very very close to tears writing this down, I can't even describe how it makes me feel cos I can't let go of things) I couldn't image my life without him, it hurt because of how much I had hurt him. He text me to say that 'regardless of what has happened and what has happened, I do love you, alway will. sort yourself out' To which i cried so hard I was sick. My parents had to come and get me, I only told them about the punch, I couldn't bring myself to disgrace myself or them further by recounting the whole night. They talked some sense into me but I felt so depressed. He called me a few days later after that night and said that it was okay and he was over it. I was prepared for him to break it off completely, but he 'couldn't imagine a life without me right now'. That event was the biggest kick up the bum I've ever had, I never want to hurt him or anyone like that ever, and I never want to feel like I did that day ever. So since then, my drinking has subsided to nothing more than a bottle of wine through the course of an evening to enjoy- not to get fucked on. Getting to those levels again are not going to happen to be honest, I am out of that mind frame. I've matured a little!
Being old equals dealing with money. I can't do that at all, I struggle massively. I hadn't really understood money until I moved into a flat and had to pay rent, bills and try and manage to buy food. This money issue meant that I couldn't go out last semester, I found it depressing. Im not saying that money makes me happy...well it does, but more in the sense that money makes me happy if I am comfortable and can do things without having to worry about how I'm going to pay for my rent etc. I cried today. Really cried when I was discussing how much money we had left from our loan after paying rent. I barely have a fifth of what other people have. I wound myself into a state, literally everything I do I have to calculate total cost and work out how much it leaves me over the period of 3 months. Today I bought chinese for £6, thats nearly a tenner on something I didnt need. It would have paid for my entry to a club for post exam party. I dont think I can even afford to drink post exams, its too expensive. Even lashing at home is looking a little pricey. It's ridiculous but it actually makes me sad. I went through a little phase last semester where I worked myself up and cried for an hour over money while Ross tried to sort me out. It got me so down, it's weird, I am much less selfish than I was since being with him. I actually think of him first, what set me off was that I couldn't afford to buy him a sandwich from the shop. Nothing major, I had no cash and my card was maxed out and we got back to his and i just got very quiet and then just cried. Was weird. Emotional.com
Thats another thing, I had a period of being 100000x more emotional than I have ever been and it was crazy. I cried at the littlest things. Good or bad. I got into little strops so quickly and stayed in a shit mood for no apparent reason. Some days I felt like crying, but thats something cyclic, I should have probably taken something for that, pms they call it. Its shit. Like some days, I'd wake up and want to cry and cry and cry and there's nothing to cry about. Even now I occasionally get silly and upset but If i look at my life right now it's pretty good except for my financial situation. Some days I'd be a complete bitch and it was best to avoid me. But this weird mood thing lasted for a week every month for about 5 months. That was hell for me and Ross. Some days we'd just end up fighting cos of my shit mood and I didn't know what to do with myself. Boys don't get it, I wish they did. But recently I've been so elated. I've woken up with a huge smile on my face and literally bouncing off the walls. Maybe it's just changing my attitude towards myself. If I knew when bad times were going to start Id ignore it and go about my things. And then I started looking in the mirror. Weird I know, but when you're in a relationship where you're living in each others skin, I find you take less care of yourself. Stop looking in the mirror. Then one day I looked properly at myself and I looked different to how I thought I did. I've come to realise I'm not ugly. I'm actually not ugly and that puts a smile on my face. I feel a little better about myself. Despite my boyfriend telling me I am beautiful 24/7 I still felt like a little gremlin. But I dunno, something has changed. I feel that little bit older, a little bit more aware of myself and finally starting to see myself as other people see me. I think that will do me a little good, if I love myself a little more then everyone else will. Don't get me wrong, my first impressions are normally v v good, it's just the people who I let in, who know me very well know how insecure I can be. But I'm starting to shake it off now, looking at things a different way, and I think in terms of personal development, it will be a good year.
One thing I'm missing about my younger years are my friends that I was friends with at school. Im especially missing one person in particular. It only occurred to me the other day, like a big wave of wham. My Emily, that's right, she was there for the male celebrity obsession (she's in my phone book as LaurieLeto) and we loved these men :) Emily always understood me when I was a little weird, she's the only person that understands my weird illogical thinking...probs cos we were (maybe still are?) on the same wavelength. I regret not keeping in touch with her. It got to the point where I'd call when I was a mess and I decided that wasn't fair. This all coincided with alcohol binge bad times. Then I sorted myself out and we were speaking again but I have missed so much of what was happening with her life that I felt so sad for us. but this year I'm sorting that out. Im making contact with the people that pretty much were my life that I haven't been into contact with since uni. It's working out okay.I managed to get into contact with a friend who I chose not to speak to for a good 2 years and it was like we had never fallen out. Its weird though, I still try to rebuild that friendship that we had...we were friends for 4 years and I chose to break contact because of something that had happened that made me lose trust in her. But its silly to try and put it back to what it was. I can only give and hope that maybe one day we'll be like how we were, but its my fault we weren't talking, so its not my place to choose how it goes.
I realise this blog is incredibly long. I should stop writing but it's so therapeutic, its also stopping me from revising for my exam that's on weds. I have no idea what I'm going to do when I get in there...its not at the forefront of my mind, but it should be!
On that note I think it's time to leave. To summarise, I'm incredibly happy, happier than I've ever been:) Things turn out in such strange and peculiar ways. Thats good, it's working out well for me so far.
x MPR x
No comments:
Post a Comment